 Rather than simply congratulating Bob McDonnell on his overwhelming victory, I'd like to suggest that, starting now and for the next four years, we accord the man presidential treatment. Specifically, I'm talking about the kind of treatment that Republicans have been giving our president over the past year.
Republicans always like to talk about upholding the honor and dignity of the White House, so the way they act toward the president must surely be the gold standard of acceptable behavior. Therefore, let's learn from them and mimic their good works at the state level. Here are a few ways in which we can do that:
1) Distort whatever he says: If proposals to help people think through planning living wills can be twisted by some of the nation's most prominent Republicans into "death panels", then the opportunities for, uh, rebranding whatever Governor Bob cooks up are endless. For example, we could say that his refusal to find a permanent funding source for transportation in the state is really a plot to drive Northern Virginians insane by leaving us stuck in endless traffic jams. If people in NOVA go crazy and blow each other's brains out, then the population of the area will go down and the more Republican areas of the state will benefit.
See, it's on the Internet now, so it must be true!
2) Question his origins: I would never be so ridiculous as to suggest that Bob McDonnell was born in another country and is faking his birth certificate to hide that fact. However, I do have strong suspicions that he is really an android. There is, I suspect, a factory hidden somewhere in the Blue Ridge that produces Republican candidates who always stick to their talking points and stay on message and have that sort of generic, Ken-doll look.
Therefore, I suggest that we incessantly hound, harass and legally challenge him to make his X-rays publicly available to prove that his innards aren't shiny and metallic. When he refuses to do so, just remember to keep repeating these words: "What is Bob McDonnell trying to hide?" |
| 3) Paint him a dictator: This must be a good time to buy stock in Photoshop, what with all the people diligently planting fake Hitler mustaches and bin Laden beards on our Commander in Chief. So why not treat our beloved governor-elect the same way? All hail der Fuerher Bob McDonnell, totalitarian despot of the Fourth Reich of Virginia! Achtung!
4) Oppose him always, 100% on everything: Bipartisanship, shmipartisanship. President Obama has been reaching a hand out to the opposition from Day One, and as a result he's gotten it nearly bitten clean off. So let's follow this heroic example in our Commonwealth. Whenever Governor Bob makes any proposal whatsoever, even a line item for pencils in the state budget, let's fight him to the death and never give an inch. Because, as I've learned from our Republican friends over the years, politics is not about getting things done for the people - no, it's about making sure your opponent fails in office so that you can take over from him and award fat earmarks to your buddies. Massive resistance is the name of the game.
So, Governor-Elect Bob, congratulations - you are now the proud recipient of all the pent up anger and frustration of Democrats who see their president get beaten up and treated like garbage every day. Welcome to your upcoming four years of hell -- you and your Republican colleagues have earned it.
(Image borrowed from Fred2Blue) |
